Jim Hightower

I love newspaper columns and books that give you "helpful hints." You know 1001 Uses For Duct Tape, and stuff like that.

Speaking of which, the best use of duct tape I ever heard about was reported in the Tampa Tribune. A fellow went into a Florida swamp to photograph alligators, got lost, and was wading in waist-deep water as night fell. Naturally, he was terrified, fearing that he might become an alligator's midnight snack. But luckily, he had brought along a roll of duct tape"never leave home without it). He climbed a tree, settled into some upper branches, pulled out the duct tape, taped himself tightly to the tree...and fell asleep, safe as could be.

Sometimes, though, helpful hints can ebb over into the danger zone of obsessive behavior. For example, I recently saw an article from the Lexington Herald-Leader that dealt with what it called "morning madness," offering hints on how to avoid this tragic malady. It seems that morning madness is a condition that strikes when you're rushing about trying to get dressed and get to work on time. "As you stand in front of the closet, trying to make order out of chaos," says the article, "the clock is ticking," You can get stressed out just thinking about it.

How to avoid this heart-pounding stress? Organize your closet, commands the writer. More specifically, the article gives such tips as: "Sort clothes by season," Hang trousers together and arrange them by color," "Do the same for jackets, shirts, and skirts," "Fold and stack sweaters so you can see them at a glance." What do you get out of such obsessive orderliness? "Having organized closets can save you as much as 10 minutes each morning," the article beams.

This is Jim Hightower saying...Yeah, so you can get into that rush hour traffic for an extra 10 minutes! If anyone tells you to organize your closet so you can leave for work 10 minutes earlier each morning, tape their mouth shut with some duct tape.